After a critical incident, I used to ask “you good?” and move on. Everybody in this work has asked it, and everybody has answered it. The answer is always the same: “Yeah, I’m good.”
That answer isn’t a lie, exactly. It’s a reflex. The question is built to be answered in two words, and two words is about all anyone has left at the end of a bad call. The person asking gets to check a box, the person answering gets to keep moving, and neither of them learns a thing.
I asked it for years because I cared and didn’t have a better tool. Most supervisors I know are in the same spot. We care about our people. We just were never handed the words to find out how they are actually doing.
I don’t believe mental wellness starts when someone finally asks for help. By then, they have usually been carrying it for a while. It starts at the front line, with the leader, in the small moments right after a hard call. Making sure the people in your command are mentally safe is part of the job, the same as making sure they are physically safe. The second question is one of the simplest tools I know for doing that part of the job.
Why “you good?” doesn’t work
It’s a yes or no question, and “no” costs too much. Saying no to a supervisor, often with the rest of the shift standing there, feels like raising your hand to be pulled off the line. Almost nobody pays that price in a parking lot.
It asks about the person instead of the call. “Are you okay?” asks someone to grade themselves, and people in this work grade themselves on whether they can handle it. Of course they say they can.
It sounds like the end of the conversation. Usually it is. It gets asked walking back to the car with the keys already in hand, and everyone involved can hear that the door is closing.
The second question
What works better is a small change in two parts. Acknowledge that the call was hard, and then ask what the hardest part was.
“That was a rough one. What was the hardest part for you?”
That question doesn’t ask anyone to admit they were affected. It starts from the fact that the call had weight, which it did, so nobody has to confess anything to answer it. It asks about the call instead of the person, which is a much easier thing to talk about. And it can’t be answered with “fine.” It makes people stop and think about it instead of brushing it off.
The answer is often small. A detail they keep replaying. A decision they’re second-guessing. Something about the family. You don’t need to fix any of it. Hearing it said out loud is most of the point, for them and for you.
How to ask it
Asking the question is the easy part. Creating the conditions where someone will actually answer it takes a little more thought.
- Pick your moment. Not at the scene in front of everyone. Later in the shift, at the end of it, or the next day. Close enough that the call is still on their mind, far enough that they aren’t still working it.
- Ask side by side. For a lot of us, being looked at is the hardest part of being helped. Ask in the car, on a walk, or while you’re both working on something else. When you’re both looking at the road, nobody is reading anybody’s face.
- Then be quiet. Let the silence sit longer than feels comfortable. Don’t fill it with your own story about a worse call. The first answer is usually the safe one, and the real one tends to come after a pause.
- Don’t grade the answer. You are not there to tell them they did everything by the book or to talk them out of what they feel. “Yeah, that would stick with me too” does more than any reassurance.
- Ask everyone. If you only ask the person who looks shaken, the question turns into a label. Make it the normal thing you do after a hard call, for every person who was on it.
- Follow up. Ask again a few days later: “I keep thinking about that call. How’s it sitting with you?” The second conversation is often where the honest answer shows up.
- Go first once in a while. When a leader is willing to say what the hardest part was for them, everyone else gets permission to do the same.
When it’s more than a conversation
The second question opens a door. It doesn’t replace a peer support team, an employee assistance program, or a counselor, and part of your job is knowing when to walk someone through to those.
Pay attention if someone’s sleep, drinking, temper, or interest in the people around them changes after a call, or if they start talking like nothing is going to get better. If you’re worried about their safety, ask them directly whether they’re thinking about killing themselves. Asking does not put the idea in their head, and it may be the first time anyone has given them room to say yes.
If they need more than you can give, these lines are free, confidential, and open around the clock:
- 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: call or text 988
- Safe Call Now, staffed by current and former first responders: 206-459-3020
- Emergency Responder Crisis Text Line: text BADGE to 741741
Ask it after the next one
You don’t need a program, a policy, or a training day to start. You need one different sentence after the next hard call.
The first time you ask it, you will probably still get “I’m good.” Ask anyway. Ask again on the drive back next week. Trust shows up on its own schedule, and the question is how you let people know you’ll be there when it does.